10 things I learnt since Integrating DID
- Jen
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
When I first started this blog as a teenager my main goal was to break stigmas around mental health, mainly DID.
DID is dissociative identity disorder, a mental illness formed from intense childhood trauma in early development years.
There are 2 main outcomes for those with DID. Functional Multiplicity or Integration. Functional Multiplicity involves learning ways to live as a collective system, allowing times for most/all alters to front and having a shared life. Integration is the merging of most/all alters into one identity, living life as one sole being.
I integrated in my early 20s without realising it. I was doing intensive EMDR therapy, CBT, and CCT. I was actually very mad about the Integration at the time as I thought those parts of me had died. Since then I have learnt a whole lot, and I'd like to share that with you.
Alters do not die when you integrate!
When integration occurs alters will merge into a whole part. A new combination is created and neither parts are lost, intact they are becoming more whole.
My personality and identity are the most clear they have ever been!
I have never been more sure of who I am, what I like or don't like, what my goals are, and what I value. I feel the most like myself than I have ever felt before.
I recognise the jobs that alters once had and am so appreciative of them!
Sometimes when a hard situation arises i will notice myself think 'Cassy would know what to do' or 'This reminds me of Mia', and in those moments I am filled with love and compassion for self. How brave those parts were, and how vital it was to have them.
I can do things by myself!
This links to the last point. When I notice that this would have been a job for another alter, I am shown that I can now handle and do these things by myself. I dont need to switch, split, or dissociate out of situations. I can just do it. That feels amazing.
My trauma made me more compassionate!
I am noticing how aware I am of others emotions, pattens, and frameworks. I am currently finishing my diploma of counselling and I have found that because of my lived experience I am able to bring a lot to counselling sessions and work within clients current situations better. Knowing body language, trauma responses, and tolerance levels just from the first few minutes with someone.
Trauma will continue to happen, but I got this!
Trauma is the way we respond to abnormal experiences. Trauma responses are our body's way of keeping us safe. Trauma doesn't just end. New things will happen as life goes on, but how you respond to that trauma has the ability to change. I have seen this so clearly in my own life. I am more likely to stand up for myself now, rather than dissociate and fawn.
Stigma still exists, but its getting better!
I remember when I was first in this space and trying to navigate what to say, how much to say, and who to say things to. Stigma was so suffocating it was a really scary time. Slowing I have noticed that conversation around mental illness is getting easier, more freeing, and more accepted. It still is nowhere near perfect, however, we are getting better.
Other disorders will be more clear and new diagnosis will arise!
Through my integration my other mental illnesses had their time to shine. I went to so many doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. And have found some of my diagnosis to be outdated, wrong, or even stronger. My anxiety disorders became OCD, my clinical depression was actually Bipolar the whole time, and my social phobia disappeared! Diagnosis can change after integration because your body is no longer in that hightened state of pure survival. It's safe to be unwell now.
Dissociating will still happen!
Even though switches and splitting are a thing of the past, dissociating will still occur from time to time. I now have dissociative episodes, can last upto a week. Often occurs when I am hypomanic from my Bipolar 2. Just interesting to see how my brain will still use that pathway sometimes. Doesn't mean its good or bad, just an observation.
People who care, will stay.
Your disorder doesn't define you. Integration doesn't mean that you aren't you anymore. If anything it means you are more you than ever. People who love you for you will want you to live the best life that you can, and if that involves integration, that is okay. People who care, will keep caring.
There are so many things i have learnt about myself through this experience. And is would like to just acknowledge that. This post was a great reflection exercise for me and has helped me see just how much has changed.
Another fun fact is that I am now older than the ages of all my alters. The alters that protected me as a child. And even more crazy, the age I integrated is the age of the oldest alter in my system. When I think about that now it's like he handed me the keys as I was now old enough to look after myself. That makes me really emotional. I am my own protection now. Adult Jen has got it from here.
Thank you so much for supporting me on the journey. If you are here still from my DID days, LOOK AT ME NOW!!! We did it!!!
Thank you for reading.
-Jen xx
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